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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29815980">dami 'pang gustong sabihin, ngunit wag na lang muna</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/shortfailure/pseuds/shortfailure'>shortfailure</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Realicide - Grej (Web Series)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Communalist being a dear, Holding Hands, M/M, POV Third Person, Slow burn characteristics, no beta we get unpersoned like susan in realicide 3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 19:20:44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>870</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29815980</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/shortfailure/pseuds/shortfailure</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The matter of when is not important, but they're now sitting there, hand in hand. Neither of them would look at the other to fully acknowledge their presence. However, this is not to be mistaken for mutual displeasure. No, they very much enjoy holding hands like this, but neither really wants to say anything about it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Egoism/Darwinism</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>dami 'pang gustong sabihin, ngunit wag na lang muna</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The matter of when is not important, but they're now sitting there, hand in hand. Neither of them would look at the other to fully acknowledge their presence. However, this is not to be mistaken for mutual displeasure. No, they very much enjoy holding hands like this, but neither really wants to say anything about it. One doesn't know how to put it in a way that doesn't sound like a hostile threat, the other doesn't know if he should put it into words lest he scare the other off. So now they stand there in silence, tension thick in the air like a rubber band pulled taut.</p><p>How it happened is another story on it's own. They were alone, waiting for something; the reason long since forgotten. There was a rare moment of ceasefire between them and they were sitting next to each other in comfortable silence. Egoist was reading a book, Darwinist was busy thinking about something that involves dismemberment and blood. Subconsciously they were aware of the other's closeness in proximity, but both are stuck in this sort-of stalemate where neither wants to be the one that initiates the first move.</p><p>Or so that's how it was until Egoist decided otherwise. With every flip of a page, his hand inches closer to Darwinist's. The words on the page aren't even fully parsing through his head anymore; his nervousness nipping at the edge of his thoughts at what he's about to do. A gloved hand hesitantly comes into contact with the other's bare, calloused one. Darwinist is pulled away from his reverie. Egoist steals a glance to see how the other man feels about it. Said man was frowning, looking at a non-existent speck of dust on his shoe as if avoiding the other's glances. Egoist reluctantly loosens his grip and almost lets go, thinking he might've accidentally overstepped his boundaries.</p><p>Until the other man clenches his hand and suddenly, he too, was looking away.</p><p>Neither were able to focus on their own respective thoughts afterwards. Normally once you reach this part both of you proceed to talk about feelings and all the romantic sappiness that that conversation might lead to. But that was not the case for these two. There was an unspoken agreement between them not to acknowledge the fact that this is actually happening and they are actually holding hands. Neither of them wanted to disrupt whatever this is that's happening between them. Both intent on only savoring the euphoric feeling of this exact moment and thinking about the consequences later. For a while, there's nothing but averted gazes and blushing faces, nothing but silence and tension.</p><p>That is, until the shuffling outside the room was heard. Along with the distinct perpetually peppy voice of Communalist.</p><p>One second passes after Communalist's presence was audible outside the room. Darwinist was quick to pull away from Egoist's hand. Clutching it as if he burnt himself. Two more seconds pass. An unreadable expression flickers through Egoist's face. It left as soon as it came; Gone far too quickly for one to properly pinpoint what it was. Three seconds, their eyes meet for the first time in hours. The walls muffles the jingling of keys and Communalist mumbling to themselves a few meters away. Four seconds. Neither of them looks away this time. It feels like time has finally ceased to move and everything is just waiting for them to say what needs to be said.</p><p>Five seconds. "I..." Darwinist begins but trails off. Once again, silence. Once again, tension. Six seconds. Darwinist feels like something needs to be said. Something-- anything but this radiating tension. But at the same time he won't be able to forgive himself if he were to paraphrase the words of some weak degenerate. His blood runs hot in his veins, adrenaline kicking in. Fight or flight. Now or never.</p><p>Seven. Darwinist looks away. Egoist narrows his eyes. The former scoffs, and spits out "Forget it, fuck off my sight you fucking queer." The words felt odd in his mouth once he said them. But surely that was the right option? Surely that's what he was supposed to say? Why is he second-guessing himself? It doesn't matter. It's not like he can take it back at this point.</p><p>Eight seconds since Communalist's arrival. Based on their sudden loudness, it seems they finally figured out which was the right key to use. Egoist looks at the door briefly then back at Darwinist-- who's avoiding his gaze again. Egoist opens his mouth but then closes it, reconsidering his words.</p><p>Nine seconds have passed. The door handle turns. Egoist inhales sharply and replies, "I'll... I'll be around, then." And in a swift blur of teal, he was gone. Darwinist was left alone on the couch.</p><p>Exactly ten seconds since Communalist was first heard outside, the door opens and in comes Communalist smiling from ear-to-ear. Communalist was saying something, about why he didn't open the door for them when he was perfectly near the door but it was all white noise to Darwinist who was still processing his feelings. After a long while, he was able to finally sum up what he's feeling in a single word.</p><p>"Fuck."</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>cannot stop thinking about the egodar  handholding thing i did so now here's a supplementary fic for it djhasdb<br/>i'll stop using filipino words for a title in my english works when other people stop using french,  japanese or latin words for their titles in their english works &lt;3 /hj /lh<br/>the title means "there's so much i want to say, but nevermind for now" and it's a lyric from the banger song "Pagtingin" by Ben&amp;Ben</p></blockquote></div></div>
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